The Desire To Feel
by Just A Little Bit Dramatic
Summary: AU New Moon fic...Bella's desire to feel emotion pain turns to the need to feel physical pain...rated M for mature themes, and self harm...Edward's POV now added!
1. Chapter 1

**This is a bit of an AU fic, set after New Moon, before Eclipse. It's sort of an Edward seeing the consequences of him leaving Bella. What Bella did was before she started making friends with Jake, and got better.**

**Warning though, this may be disturbing to some readers. It contains mature themes not suitable to younger readers, meaning self harm. It does ignore the fact that Bella is bothered by blood. At that stage, she was too far into her comatose state to care.**

**I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or Edward Cullen. Sob. You see why we dream at night, now?**

I laughed lightly, listening to Edward's story about Rosalie's fifth wedding. We were sitting on my bed, facing each other, with the lamp on low. Shadows flickered across his chiselled face, and his eyes glimmered in the darkness.

Shaking my head, still shaking with laughter, I rested my hand on the mattress. Wincing, I inhaled sharply, recoiling from the sharp object on my bed. A pin was resting there, the point angrily turned upwards, ready to prick me again.

I frowned, picking it up, and glancing at my hand. A bead of blood was beginning to well, and Edward's eyes darkened, his jaw tensing. I looked up. "Oh, Edward…go…I'll be fine. I'll just go wash my hand…" His hand on my shoulder stopped me as I began to move.

He inhaled, and his eyes began to lighten. "It's okay…I'm not bothered by that anymore, really. Show me your hand." I turned my palm up so he could examine the tiny cut, and his hands gently curled around my wrist.

Somehow he saw them. He began to slide up my long sleeve, and I tried to pull my arm away, eyes wide in horror. "Edward, no…stop…Edward…please…" He paused, looking at me, his jaw tight with anger.

"Bella, show me your arm." I shook my head, lips pressed together, and his eyes blazed. "I'm looking with or without your consent, but I don't want to risk harming you. Bella, _please_, stay still."

My body slumped in defeat as he drew up my sleeve. Turning my arm over, he saw them on all sides. Scars, thin and thick, pink lines, some surrounded by raw skin, some long healed. He saw the soft pink skin, standing out clearly against my pale complexion, and the rows and rows of my shame.

"Bella…" He traced them gently. "Bella, love…what did you do?" I whimpered slightly, and began to cry, my shoulders shaking, tears falling fast onto my blanket covers.

_I waited until I heard the sound of Charlie's car driving off, the façade of writing an English essay holding up. When the house was silent, I stood, and began to walk upstairs. My heart was pounding. How it could beat when it had been ripped in two, I still didn't know. But I was beyond caring._

_Slipping into the bathroom, I opened up the cabinet, finding it quickly. A clean knife, thin, sharp, and shining. Glancing down at my arm, I shivered. It was screaming for me to draw a line, red ink born from me dripping, for that moment when I felt._

_Pain…emotion…everything…it was all gone. I needed to feel the pain he had put me through. The pain I had held off for far too long. The pain I wanted so desperately to feel, but I had spent so long blocking out._

_Lifting the blade, I pressed the tip to my forearm, and drew it up. Deep enough to bleed, but not enough to do any major damage. Pain flashed in my arm, and I bit my lip until that too bled, and cut again._

_Pain…blood…emotion…I could feel it all…_

_Adrenaline swept through me, and I smiled, in spite of myself. Breathing deeply, erratically, I raised the knife, now lined with my life fluid, and positioned it differently. Again I pressed it down, hissing in softly, and watched the blood._

_This is what he had left me because of. Blood. I wanted to spill it all. _

_Narrowing my eyes, still breathing irregularly, I pressed my lips together until they were white, and cut once more. My final cut…for now. My arm was screaming with the pain of it, but I didn't care._

_I felt pain. I felt._

_Lowering the knife, I rinsed it, wrapping it up again, and hiding it again. I pressed a towel to my arm as I cleaned. Picking up the bottle of cleaning liquid, I sterilised the areas where the blood had fallen. Then I turned to my arm, surveying my damage with vague detachment._

_I pulled out the first aid kit, wrapping my arm up quickly and roughly, before making sure everything in the bathroom was just where it should be. I had used the hand I didn't favour, so that wouldn't be a problem._

_I changed into a long sleeved black shirt with my jeans, washing my hands one more time, and went back downstairs to finish the English assignment. But as I wrote, I kept flashing back to the knife, hidden away upstairs._

_My cure, the only way to bring back the emotion…I'd use it again. The next time I was alone. _

I shook my head at Edward, unable to tell him, only crying harder. He was almost speechless, his gaze flickering from my arm to my face, and he guessed it. "It was…when I left…did you…?" My answer was a muffled sob, accompanied by the tiniest nod.

I looked at him, his image blurry from my traitorous tears. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Edward…I didn't…" I couldn't speak, only draw my knees up to my chest and hug myself. "I didn't think…I didn't know…"

Edward's face was full of sick horror, and his eyes were wide as he looked at my arm. I had been so careful to hide it. It had been so long ago, really. My mistake. But I couldn't convince him of that.

"You…you…you did _that_…my leaving was supposed to _protect_ you…you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid!" His voice was an angry whisper, but not anger at me, anger directed towards himself.

I hiccuped, trembling violently. "I did it…I couldn't feel…there was no other choice…I broke the promise…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I buried my face in my hands, trying to restore my breathing to normal, but too frightened he'd only leave me again.

Edward's eyes were dark when I met them. "Never _ever_ hurt yourself over something like me, Bella. There's _always_ another choice, you hear me? Even if you reached out to God damned Mike Newton, never do that!" He crumpled, and I heard him sob. "Don't scare me like that. I couldn't lose you because of that. I couldn't, Bella. I couldn't."

I nodded miserably. "I know this now, Edward, but at the time, I was dead to everything. I…I needed a way out. Something to let it all go…and I…" I trailed off. His fingers touched my chin, and I watched him carefully.

His eyes were painful to look into, too full of concern, guilt, remorse, every emotion he could come up with was staring back at me. I leant my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist, and sobbed.

"I stopped a long time ago, Edward. I swear, I stopped. I don't know how…but I did. I wont do it again…I promise that, utterly and completely." I cried, feeling his hands stroke my hair. He was shaking himself, something I rarely saw him do. His composure was shattered. I'd never seen him like this.

"I'll never give you a reason to, Bella. I promise you that." He pulled me even tighter against him, and I believed him. Completely. I believed what I'd promised him, too. I couldn't do that to him, or to myself.

Not again.

**Okay, kind of dodgy, but it was something I had to write. I'm sorry if I scared readers though. Well, not really, but I thought it'd be polite to say. Read and review, as per normal. **

**Just A Little Bit Dramatic**


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to go ahead and write Edward's POV of this, because it was bugging me. It's him seeing the consequences of leaving Bella, and of what she did. So, yeah, hopefully it's okay.**

**Warning though, this may be disturbing to some readers. It contains mature themes not suitable to younger readers, meaning self harm. It does ignore the fact that Bella is bothered by blood. At that stage, she was too far into her comatose state to care.**

**I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or Edward Cullen. Sob. You see why we dream at night, now? 'I'll be there soon, Edward…I'm going to bed in an hour.'**

"And somehow, don't ask me how he did it, but Emmett forgot the ring. You can imagine Rosalie's horror when they said to present the rings, only to see Emmett's eyes widen. He swore – and not quietly. So now she refuses to let him assist in any of the planning, much to his horror." I laughed softly at the memory, watching the human before me.

Bella was giggling, a smile lighting up her face as she shook her head. Her long hair fell over her shoulder, the scent tempting me – I wouldn't take. Her brown eyes, pools of emotion, were bright with delight.

She leaned back, resting her palm on the bed beside her, when she hissed in air. The scent of sweet, beautiful blood began to drift through the air, and tensed as I watched her. She picked up a small, sharp pin from beside her, and glanced at her hand. A small amount of blood was gathering on her porcelain palm, and I felt my jaw tighten.

Bella looked at me, and I could read the panic in her eyes. "Oh, Edward…go…I'll be fine. I'll just go wash my hand…" She began to move, but my hand was on her shoulder before I even registered that I had moved.

I breathed in deeply, fighting through the lust for blood. "It's okay…I'm not bothered by that anymore, really." A blatant lie, in some ways. It still attracted me – I just didn't allow myself to even consider the possibility of drinking it. "Show me your hand."

Bella obediently turned her hand over, allowing me to examine the small pinprick. I gently gripped her hand, when a small welt on her wrist caught my attention. With my eyesight, I could just see the angry scar from under her sleeve. Concerned, I began to draw the material up. Her reaction stunned me.

She tried to recoil. "Edward, no…stop…Edward…please…" Realization hit me hard and fast, the force enough to make my head spin. Surely she didn't…she couldn't have…not my Bella…she couldn't do that to herself…

"Bella, show me your arm." Her eyes were wide as I shook my head, and she pressed her full lips together. "I'm looking with or without your consent, but I don't want to risk harming you. Bella, _please_, stay still."

She seemed to surrender, her body almost becoming limp as I carefully pushed up her sleeve. My breath hitched in my throat as I saw them. The rows and rows of scars, the angry pink lines, some raw and tender, some merely a scratch.

I ran my finger along the oldest one, fighting anger. "Bella…Bella, love…what did you do?" A sob escaped her lips, and then her tears began to fall, her shoulders trembling, her body shaking as she cried.

I was horrified…that she was crying…that she had done it…it was all my fault.

Bella shook her head, the ability to form words stolen from her as her cries became harder. My eyes continued to swap from her arm to her face, and I spoke almost quietly. "It was…when I left…did you…?" She let out another whimper, but she nodded slightly.

My whole body went numb, my worst fear confirmed. By leaving her, I had hurt her…and in doing so, caused her to hurt herself in the worst way possible.

Bella looked up through teary eyes. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Edward…I…I didn't…I didn't think…I didn't know…" She drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them to her tightly.

My insides boiled, my vision threatening to go red with rage and disgust. Not at her, at myself. Guilt began to slice through me like a knife, and I stared at her arm in dumb shock. She looked so scared – afraid that I would leave her again.

I couldn't stop the words from slipping out. "You…you…you did _that_…my leaving was supposed to _protect_ you…you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid!" I dug my fingers into my palm, strong enough to break a human's hand in two, not even enough force to break through my thick skin.

Bella hiccupped, still shaking. "I did it…I couldn't feel…there was no other choice…I broke the promise…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She let her face fall into her palms, her breathing hysterically erratic. I let her sob for a few more minutes before waiting for her to look up. Finally her eyes met mine, swollen and red.

I was close to breaking point myself. "Never _ever_ hurt yourself over something like me, Bella. There's _always_ another choice, you hear me? Even if you reached out to God damned Mike Newton, never do that!" I lost my composure, my voice breaking into a sob. "Don't scare me like that. I couldn't lose you because of that. I couldn't, Bella. I couldn't."

Bella nodded slowly, her voice hoarse from crying. "I know this now, Edward, but at the time, I was dead to everything. I…I needed a way out. Something to let it all go…and I…" I was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming desire to stop her tears. Reaching forward, I touched her chin, and her eyes met mine again.

She hesitantly laid her head against my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist. I was reminded of how breakable she was as I let my arms encircle her loosely, and hated myself even more for making her so dependant on me. It was okay if I loved her. I could bear it. But she was so fragile…I couldn't let her break because of me.

Bella spoke again, surprising me. "I stopped a long time ago, Edward. I swear, I stopped. I don't know how…but I did. I wont do it again…I promise that, utterly and completely." I shook as I stroked her hair, fighting sobs. I could break down when she slept, I just needed to hold on.

_You also promised not to hurt yourself…_

I pulled her body even tighter against my own, needing her to be close to me. "I'll never give you a reason to, Bella. I promise you that." And I wouldn't. Because, even if being with her was dangerous…

…it was even more dangerous for me to leave.

**Opinions? For Edward? Pretty please with a chocolate covered Cullen on top?**

**Just A Little Bit Dramatic**


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